I looked at him troubled and perplexed, I looked at him with greater compassionating, I looked at him as if it was not just me dealing with troubles all around, I looked at him with empathy. There are kids around us who seeks our attention, kids making changes to their childhood situated nearby and we don’t even see it. We don’t even care; we don’t even want to see them. It’s all we think is in their fate, who decides that? Who doesn’t understand that?
My mind always wanders on the wonders of our lives, about the concept of having all the resources yet we are never satisfied, this fight with ourselves and our greed always takes us to the roadmaps where there is a tad bit of loneliness and lots of anxiety on the plate. Decorated and served all with true compassionate. We have come a long way desiring a lot with the life but we have no idea where this hint would end because so as this life is concerned there is much to the amazement. This night when I look out the window three kids jumping on the sand beats to pass their time, wearing dresses they love and there is a hope in them for tomorrow. Is it all right for me to think it other ways? Is it alright for me to look behind their smiles?
My efforts with the society don’t end with my own work, that’s what my heart says to me nowadays. It doesn’t just get along with life anymore; there are things that don’t allow me to sleep properly. To a greater extent it’s not my responsibility to provide them a better life but yet there could be something that I can do to bring their awareness to their natural behavior.
The greatest fears of my life always included the signs ‘what if someone is better than me’ which is always contrary to whatever I did. I always chose subjects which my siblings were doing right along way I have always done whatever I have liked, I have always done extra efforts to gain my place. A similar kind of complexity which I see in me now was there from a long time. I could never recognize this growing mental inability to fight for my own rights. I never knew what I needed by myself. I have no idea what I want to don in my life, I am sort of confused and frustrated.
I feel most of my life is based on judgments.
It’s just now that I realize my worth, the secret of being myself. The happiness in knowing that there are no boundaries to the mistakes I make and learn from them because whatever I am doing is my part of business, no one gets outs of it and no one could ever understand it, at the end it is me who will sum up all my karma and go back to where I came from or where I belong after this life stage.
Steps after step and all the way I have been doing tremendous work on things unknown to the world. I have not gained much recognition but I know what I have done, I know where I stand and what I deserve. Life certainly happens when we are busy doing something else.
I am thinking on the patterns of solitudes, about the words that come to my brain and escape because there are few unsolved thoughts.
I know I am weird but my story belong to me, I know what goes in my head all the time, I know what my dreams are, I know who I want to talk to.
I don’t want to explain anything to anyone; I just don’t want to be judged anymore. It’s just an end of a chapter I never liked, it’s a new beginning.
You want to read what I write and you don’t want to reply it back,
You simply want to read that. You want to know how I feel, about my darkest fears and extreme happiness, you want to see where my life is heading and you want to be part of it, silently. You don’t want to involve yourself in it.
You are afraid, you are afraid that your words may hurt you. You are precautious, you don’t want to lose me. You don’t want to make the same mistake again, you just want to stay there and read whatever I feel.
I understand everything.
You just want to stay there and love. You are afraid that you may lose me.
That’s my true honey!
You can’t lose me, how can you lose what is not yours?
I don’t belong to you, you don’t belong to me, we both belong to that higher consciousness, the Krishna and we are just together, finding the same path. This world is huge and sometimes the crowd is scary, sometimes when other half of yours is tired searching for it you will need me, you will need my love, nights and days.
You will need me all the time.
But we don’t belong to each other, we are companions of this pathways and we will have to find our own ways but till we find what we are and where do we really belong in this world we will need each other always.
When between the triump and segment
choose the one which felt strong at the Left
and then never look back,
the decision must be the on CHOSEN!
You may think about it once or twice but the best will always follow
Forget not that this life is always been taken care of
Forget not that you are never alone, guides walk with you
When times are harder and things are dim,
someone sends us the feathers and They brims
Sloely and steadily, something awakens inside
and we find out why!!
His eyes were reflecting mine and there was a different kind of silence altogether. I felt a strange distance between us, the coldness of our fight was taking over. I felt defeated rather tired but spoke nothing but few drops of tears. He was uncomfortable letting us go like this but we made no other choice. Someone has to back off.
I wanted him to stay and let me sink into him so that all that was around me could be justified.
He looked away as if he did not wanted to face my kind of truth anymore, my heart sank and a pain started to take over.
Days after them were kind of difficult because I could not sleep, my taste and apetite were gone. I felt restless and anxious. It was happening.
We left each other’s hands and it was for a good.
He never called me back not even on my birthdays, I kept myself in touch with him but he never responded.
Days after them were very difficult because I could not concentrate in my work, my academics were difficult to trace.
I wish for a moment he could have stopped, looked back and hugged me tight, I wish for a moment things were as easy as they could be and there were less things to explain. I stil wonder what if….
He looked at me with refuge and solitude and I was mentally prepared for it, the moment I packed my back and left my job to come back home I was prepared for it.
' I have told you, these software jobs, didn't I ?' My bade papa raised voice to freak me out a bit while the shameless me was thinking where to thrown the eaten and beaten chewing gum.
Finally it came out to be the safest of all thought, gulping it up would be a better option. I was terrified with the thought of consequence.
' what next? Have you thought anything about your life?'
I nodded with a smile.
'Look at you still grinning, do you hold any shame or not' honestly speaking what is to be ashamed about? Leaving the job or coming back home from the struggles of day and night. Well if you ask me I was worried how am I going to afford my designer wardrobe and food.
Then I gave myself a break and I thought I could adjust. Not so soon to realise this fact that I can't live without them, my life needs luxury which was out of my way right now.
My bade papa kept on murmuring few thoughts and it made no effect on my facial expressions,' we told you to take medical, haven't we?'
Yes you all asked me to do stuff which was logically opposite to what I have done and in very honest way I wasn't jobless, I was working on my own idea and they have no idea what a startup sounds life. I gave up and made no voice.
' look at your brothers and sisters they always did what we have asked them to and see they are earning so well, well settled, got married at right time, they have grown up kids, their lives are settled'
I looked at the panel of elders who seemed to be horrified with the idea and stared me to order not to laugh. Being the youngest in the house is such a task.
My bade papa would have not allowed me home but generously he did and the fear of society must have done some work. Well will he understand if I tell him the pain of heart break and betrayal and how much it had effected me in all the ways, I needed home to take my head down and hide for few days, I broke my cellphone in anger and now I don't hold any, no money to escape somewhere else.
He stared at me and gave me faithful advice.
' it's not too late prepare for government job'
Will he understand if I tell him I have left one and it made no regret to my butt, I left my PhD at IISc just because I wasn't prepared for any more dramas in life leave alone the marriage one.
I stared back at the panel again which was praying for me at the context of my peace and mood appraisal. Well to dig a bit more I kept quite and listened to all of them. My thoughts were about the chewingum somewhere between the intestine or patching my lungs so that I could just pass away.
God I have been granted the myth! Do something. Blah this is weird.
Breathe for a minute
Eat sleep and fall in love again and again!
The pungent smell in the hospital rotates my head, visiting the same hospital everyday has drown me sick and tickles my head. Anxiety rolls my head and everyday I just tell myself 'just one more day and it will be over' I sit there quietly do not eye-contact people it makes thing weird. I lit my two sets of schedule and sit there quietly taking my prescription for the day and head back again. Everyday has become so like an entropy to me. I wake up go for a walk which is prescribed again, meet with people and try to be as happy as I could possibly be and I wonder how my normal friends are doing back in the office and how much I wish I could go back and head back normally. Yet everything has a reason and I am quite not in mind to understand, I wake up and go to the hospital everyday, every bloody day!
It's a huge impact, taking me around the corners and letting me sick a little bit, I give a thought on the results, am I improving even a bit? Am I going to get back what I am loosing everyday, will these new therapies work on me? Is there anyway I could think of which would get me back to my schedules. Even if they don't ask my eyes speak more than I could deliver with my tongue in it. I am just hoping and this encourages me to no where. The better it gets the worst it seems and I head back to home and apart the distance of taking new insight I feel lost, I wonder if somewhere it was written about how badly I deserve that because I have hurt few people which they assume to be right.
Anyway! That's not all my heart seeks, I terribly want to get away from this cage which sort of making me feel sicker every single day, I have tried talking to my old friends and it had worked, few have turned weird and one has blocked me for God sense why!
I don't want to think on it but it does bothers me, I miss the air my good times gave me and not that it's all getting bad but it's definitely not where I wanted to head. This more or less sound amazing because I have got a thing to break. The bravest creature in me is fighting along the terminal illness which god knows appears to me again and again and I think I may die this time and this would end much of my patience and I am ready for it. I certainly want to talk to few people before I go and tell them that there is more to this life than making grudges for nothing. I don't talk to my brother now a days and that bothers him, he follows me everywhere, he finds it difficult to digest that I am dying everyday, not that others are growing their life but certainly it's his sister this time and it definitely bothers him, what kind of disgusting situation is he into?
I can't help myself preserve from the world now and I am avoiding going out, it disgust me even more, looking at people leading a normal life with nothing to deal in their body and mind irritates me and making new friends in this land is even difficult for me because I couldn't explain them everything.
I do miss people but I am not yet ready to face them.
What wonders doesn't always wanders and it takes one strong magical wand to make us realise t. We all love travelling and we love creating collages, it's obvious why those mountains call us with serenity, why their is a sunflower market which stores some mystery of its origin.
We never want to come back to something which is forcing us to be something that everything else is doing.
The talking winds, thrilling speed and nerds around talking about technologies increases my adrenaline. It's pretty much amazing to see myself reaching to the hills to my old feeling of holding the trumpet and singing my voices high in the rhythm. Putting into my efforts and dreams my own little place of happiness lies somewhere in this city. Giving me much of my life a great value this city has never failed to astonish me. I was missing being here and getting my taste buds in the slashes of idli and dosa is unimaginable.
My skills are thundering.
I am much on the scale of terrific feeling where it just takes me high and high. Hold on, shredded parts of life demands fresh air and morning walks are always my gestures.
The busses roaring with novels and laptops while the cabs facilitates ongoing telephonic meetings, busy and hungry.
Slowly the pace is making dignities and I meet my old friends, hugging them tight I realise what I have been missing all these days.
A thing called satisfaction.