Dear step mother,
That is obvious that you were not faithful to bear children of your own. I feel sorry about it. With time things haven’t changed, you are similarly cruel and un-polite but I manage myself with some respect. Those thousand tears I have shaded with pain remind me how un-forgetful those events in my life were when my friends were preparing their good for examinations and I was washing your plates. Not that I am afraid of doing households but they have their initial time, I wasn’t prepared. I was just a kid and it was difficult for me to judge between a real mother and an adopted mother. You were welcomed to the family and for years I kept thinking that there was something wrong with me. I have punished myself because may be I thought I have hurt you by not following your minute orders. I still remember that I remember nothing from my mathematics class. You have no idea how much regretful I am for those days, I wanted to study. Only if you knew how much I have loved doing that. I am sorry for myself, for being so terrible on you sometimes. That was reflexive emotions, I had nothing to do with the reflex you have experienced though me. I have slept with hunger, I have slept with scars, I have slept with many pains. Afraid to share that but things were harsh, things are harsh. I am born girl but that is alright right, you are a girl too ( a woman may be), well I be a woman in few years too. If grace stays I will be a mother too. Let that be a thing to delay but what was so wrong with you, why did you beat me on roads, in front of my friends, called their parents and told how characterless I was. Are you sick? If so, please tell me, I earn now, I can afford your mental health. If that sickness hurts you tell me because I know how that feels. Those scars are visible to me, on my chest, on my heart and in various places of my body few of them are so deep that emotional reflexes have stopped now. I am not saying that you are bad; you were just not good to me. I don’t know why, I have been a good person to you always.
People do not understand my weird behavior, neither do I? I am just hurt, may be too hurt to resist the pillow of harm. I just get through those days when my brain typically remembers those nights and I faint.
Today when I was leaving for my masters you did that again. My dreams are broken, what do you get out of this? I am just scared to step out of the house, this four walls and internet (thank god, internet) saved my urge to die, though I occasionally wish I have never be born. It was very unnatural of me to see through because I feel incomplete; I am just consequence of your hatred from life. Was I so responsible for your pain, was I responsible for you not doing any salaried job, was I responsible when your son died, what I just did. Could you tell me?
I tried to escape but you are too good to people, they think its wrong with my brain, you tried to send me to asylum, consulted psychiatrist, paid them to give me medicines which eventually will make me sleepy all the day long.
I have understood something today. I am’nt responsible for anything that happens to anyone in this world but myself, after struggling so many years pleasing you and trying to find default mistakes in me I hear that I am a good person, I have done enough for you.
Today I am fleeing forever, please keep a helper, I won’t be available for your choirs, I won’t be available for making tea for your friends or the one who entertains their kids leaving study. I am born for different things if not great. Let me explore a bit.
Ps. I will pray for you.