January 2k16

January, 2k16

Direct me to the path which leads me to you, where love has no definition and those footprints are visible even if they are not. While I wonder to this I realize there is a ‘somehow’ to it. We talk endlessly without interacting and I can hear you, may not always but recently. How could you chance this with your pretty little ears? To counsel this I will tell you something that it’s not normal to have you, it is extraordinary, it is godlike, the similar god which resides on us, above us and within us. You made me recognize that god, you helped me to find the lost secrets of myself. It is not natural, it is god-ary. You might not remember our small meetings but I do come to see you, you were restless and sleepless but I reminded you of me, it wasn’t easy for us but we got through, see how much potential a human heart can hold. Each time I saw you telling someone about me I felt little awkward, not the kind of blush but the butterfly. Hold me, kiss me, tell me jokes and when we meet we will talk about it. Have you felt the ‘crazy’ in your head about the talking guardians I told you about? Have you felt those whispering days? I am sure you don’t want to tell me about that, I am sure you are afraid of telling people what we are to each other.

Your smile honey! It makes me crazy and not that one last thing I would want in this life but to something which would define nothingness.

Something about You

I help one paper roll, old enough to recognize, parts of which were torn at the end, the smell of wooden cupboard and few drops of naphthalene balls, burnt with summer heat. My heart pumps more than needed to the situation and I take a deep breath, high enough to be heard in the silence in my room. Everything was gone, everything and everyone. I have never felt so lonely back in my life and suddenly I pull the wooden chair in the old kitchen area, summer afternoon and a heat pulsing my veins, no electricity and no other way to feel bit cool. I lay the roll on the table. And take the red ribbon with a great love, my kinder garden letter to myself. I close my eyes before I could see that one last memory of my beautiful family altogether. I was fortunate I thought and felt grateful, I opened my eyes and a drop of tear touched the crayon wax colored paper. A family of 6, me, my two elder brother, mom, dad, and dragon, I planted a kiss to everyone one by one, partially not being partial with my love, I found my life in that paper roll. When everything was fetched into one memory I wished for the moment and felt lost, a bit lost not because I felt homeless all of a sudden or loveless, I felt the same kind of feeling many other people must have felt. It felt so close and cold, I definitely missed each of it, my playground, my room but the hopes were as high as my fate, game was to be Brave and know that our love will follow everywhere and we will be together in some plane of this dimension or anywhere, thing is my belief says we are still together and we will always feel this love inside of our hearts forever. Nobody decides their life, we all plan our weekends unaware of what awaits us, this is hope and when it doesn’t work out e way we depth it to, its life but still it is hopeful. I went to my room for the last time and touched its walls, series of memories ran in front of me, as real as imaginary it was, I felt my mother’s touch, heard my giggles, I heard the fight over telephones, I heard the window cracking into winds, I heard the wind chimes, I heard everything. I said to myself ‘ be brave and find yourself, be brave sweeties, be brave, God loves us and we still have been left with Hope, Calm down, one day this everything will be paid off, love will always follow us, sweetheart is brave.’ A drop of tear ran down across my cheek, my chubby ones and I felt my brother pulled them naughtily, I looked at mother Mary’s picture hung on the wall, I touched them light and firmly asked her ‘ I know one day you will make this a very good sense.’ I know mother, you have got heart of your own son and that I am no different from him, I know you have a great plan ahead for all of us, give us strength to be in love and be brave with strength, don’t let us break into illusions’ a different feeling ran across my body, it was as if suddenly everything was alright and I felt nothing actually happened, I felt this again and again for many new days and I went ahead.
Today I am 23 years old and more than 7 years to the incidence, this fortunate day whenever I remember that day I am amazed how I carried across, this post is for myself, for my bravery and I want to tell myself that how much proud I am to be in the state I am right now. I love you myself, you have been great, and you will continue to be great.

You

I want to acquire this
Your love, your moments and you
I want to feel this
I want to feel you
One by one, each of you
Your anger, your jealousy and you
I want to make sure, life is beautiful
Because it has you
I want to guard it even more some how
Because it is rosary of ‘you’
The happy Easter, the happy Fridays
I want to become one with them
Feel the universe play it’s song
Song of togetherness and falls
Song of our faith, sacrifices and anthem

Because all that you write

Because all that you write has to take with all that you go through to believe all that you feel. It is about the legacy of rights, about everything you can not explain in person, about the hatred, about the secret love, about failure which was your effort, about the winning trophy which was your luck. we decide but we forget about it, we hold on but curiosity believes in us.

that is fine, not to be fine and that is fine not to show that you are fine.

Romance is good, and telling others that you are good at it is better, those who say they don’t understand it, secretly wishes for you. Well this is hard to digest but yes that is true.

I have gathered life and potential to believe in that God survives our greatest wishes and yet believes that someday we will really understand what he was trying to do. we do understand it but we don’t want to accept it. yet simple way to describe this is , sometimes not talking is Good, It explains everything that you never wanted to say.

It is OK. to be just a normal ,average and boring guy, there is a lot that we understand and busy people don’t, it is the value of idealness, about the peace of feeling the time and understanding it’s pace, about the talking dimensions, about the dreams that we seek.

The eyes that spoke to me

The eyes that spoke to me were your.

Right! so I am talking to the right Way,

the person of my dreams and My Love,

somewhere deep inside when I am broken,

Your eyes strengths me up with threads of Hope,

When I am surrounded by enemy,

your twinkle gives me strength to Love everything,

I am in those ways, I fly and I Dream,

I wake up and it is Still there,

Looking at me, I am looking at Them,

Soon we realize we are no different,

This Green Leafy Love, where everything is Mesmerizing

Be a bowl of everything or Nothing,

This world is full of everything,

After I came back to meet you in my Dreams,

You were as beautiful as it appears,

I am just not telling you,

But I want to make you feel,

how beautiful is your soul,

how beautiful Are we..

Yours Sincerely

‘ well every letter that I wrote has a purpose but not this one, it came to me and made me flicker in to send it to you, not that I know that you hate growing up but with all that you have given me I feel little grown up and matured with time. Growing up is fun sweetheart trust me, aging is great, with time we try to accept ourselves and then at some point our identity lies in this body, the real test is when we have to leave it, recognize yourself inwards out and forgive the stupid. I know this is really hard for you to think that way now, I know you are angry, and that makes sense. I am not going to say don’t be but try not to be. Anger comes to you when there is ignorance and you have the knowledge use it and don’t worry, ‘hakuna Matata’. You have got to tell me your best stories sweetheart you have got to tell me what made you cry, you share your pain with me and I will tell you that how much you missed in the middle of everything. You have got to see all these and tell me that where you were stuck at the last, count on your life from now and don’t look back, there are no clues left there just a few smells of past. Sweetie! Grow up, stop waiting for people, I know there is another side of the story but stop narrating yourself the same old ones again and again. You are wonderful and believe me when I tell you that. Along the way we grew up I have found your change in many ways but that doesn’t alter my love for you because what I love about you is different than what you believe in you.
You remember our pets lately? All your dear ones? Do you remember our best friends? Forgiveness means forgiving not waiting for them to apologise to you. Let go of them, they do not know that you have been waiting for them. Come on don’t hurry up explaining, you don’t need to, it’s alright if they don’t understands it or envy you or throws you tantrums or mock you, you know what you have to do, hold on the knowledge that you have and be unique in your own way, no one would be able to be who you are.
Now should I remind you, some of your best qualities? About all those beautiful feelings that you hold, unconditional love and understanding humanity, you are the brilliant sweetheart, you are amazing and that what I have known is already with you since forever. I don’t know how much you need to know yourself but forever is a long time. With time when changes occur believe me things get better.
Will be talking again.
Yours sincere ‘

Well, Good Bye!

I am definitely going to miss My country, who doesn’t but every Indian Bride should Follow her Husband, I left my job so that he can happily pursue his, He took his time to settle down our marriage rituals and stayed here for more than a month, now it is my turn to repay his efforts towards my wishes.

well airports are being crowded now, unlike before when we could see just handful people, I am happy to see that people but from Airport Shops, earlier we couldn’t effort to think about it, Even I have bought one Fancy Sandal, They say it smells of Roses, I am sure after few steps it will smell Socks, well this is a mixed Feeling, My family waiting to set us to our new status, I want to cry but I feel so dry.

I have taken 6 cups of strong coffee, and I am sure my husband could see the anxiety coming, we have family and friends there but the ambiance my own country gives me is beyond imagination. I have had my best moments since I came back in 2009. Going again for a permanent step is a hard thing to digest.

I was rubbing my hands, going to washrooms trying to cry a bit, this difficult feeling in the chest is very dangerous, I came out and my husband sat there calmly holding my Tickets and Visa, somewhere I wished it was Lost or I threw it, I can not Run Away.

‘What is making you break our vows, You drank coffee again’ He asked me.

I felt really ashamed. ‘I don’t know I am Sorry’ I leaned my head on his chest and cried, I cried for more than an hour, I could sense his anxiety through it but I really needed it.

‘Where ever we go, our feelings visits us, No matter where ever we will stay This place will be always our, Think of the people you are going to meet, help, maybe someone has prayed for you to be there’ I have no definition how lucky I have felt. I plane takes off in few minutes and I have finished this post, Bye India, It is not a final Good Bye.

many of my friends and family are not aware of this, I don’t know, It was all of a sudden, They may hate us for this, but I hated them more maybe that’s why I have stopped sharing my life with them.

Yes !You read it Right!

Every princess has a Story

Every princess has a day
I am going to confess something today, some of my deep fears and honesty. About everything that defines me, not that I am going to prove anything out of this but I know somewhere everyone is confused with my mixed behavior. I used to be a rich brat, completely loaded with gifts and happiness, I am born the princess and I literally mean it, we have our own palace and properties, we have islands and antique cars, actually I guess we used to. One fine day something happened and everything has changed, you know the hardest part was when they asked me for my credit card, y cars, and my home. We left our house and we rented one, alternatively, I never asked the men of our family why they couldn’t save it for us. Everything happened all of a sudden and things kept going worst, everything was going great and suddenly our lifestyle was changed. It was hard for me to accept that, harder for other people as well.
But today I understand something, my husband told me that I was always a princess, I will always be a princess, by the way, I treat people, by the way, I treat other animals, by the way, I spread love, anyone can be the princess by the way they treat themselves. I couldn’t wear our traditional crown, we couldn’t reach to 18 till that. I have visited my place once and twice and the way they treat my brother I still feel there is some princess left in me. We have lived one huge life and the life I have been given now has something to tell me. I never knew how much an ice-cream cost unless I had less money to buy it. It never bothered me, I am happy, I will always be happy the way I chose life.
Things what made me lonely was not my anger, but when we lost everything our friends were the one we thought we never get along with. Their lifestyle was different, being into society we always had friends who own minimum billions to come to our offshore parties but now people we interact are the one who is lovely, they share food in the festival, and we go for morning walks.
I once met another friend from Toronto, he asked me if it feels bad to lose everything especially when it wants our fault, I am glad he asked me that, it’s when I realize that I really feel bad for myself. I have lost my boyfriend, the one I thought we were in love due to money, I don’t make friends now because my faith on them has vanished a long ago, and yes I am angry, why should I?
I miss our house, I miss all the luxuries, definitely, I have never slept in the same bed sheet every night, I miss my cars, I miss my credit card, I miss my family. It is true that money keeps people happy, my family behaves weird now, they behave like other people around us, angry, frustrated because they do things they are not habituated to, I don’t know what should I do to make it better, I don’t have plans, I certainly don’t have any idea, but I am sure we all are capable of making things better.
We can’t fight our family members and that’s what my father said, he said we will not file any case against them, he is happy that his siblings are happy with it, I don’t understand this, but this is what I call is being GREAT!
My task as a daughter and as a sister is to support everything that they do. I still meet my old friends but from a distance, they think I have become un-cool, I wear boring dresses and that they don’t want to see me. I have had heard many things they talk about me, that’s fine. I obey everything god has given us. This situation has something to tell us, this situation will deliberately make me a better person. I used to be frustrated, nagging and really hard to handle, now I know what love is, what is to be compassionate, how everything works, I think these all were for better. God gave us this situation and he only walks through us, this is amazing.
I do not want to go to them and tell them that a part of their fantasy life was offered by my brother, I don’t want to remind them that how much my family, especially my mother stood by them. I don’t want to talk to anyone and that’s why I write, the reason my first book never got published because one of my such dear friends told the publishers that I will never be able to do publicity since we dropped off from our financial things, the same friend who I helped complete his own books, the same friend.. Well! Everyone ask why I couldn’t publish it, few laugh, few thinks I was kidding around.
Luckily I have good and honest friends who love me for who I am, they don’t know from where I come, they have no idea about my sudden mood swings but they accept me, but I couldn’t accept myself many times, it’s now easy.
What hurts me most you know, the day, 21st January 2010, 6:00 pm when he came to meet me with his new girlfriend, their eyes, his eyes and my laugh? What hurts me most is my best friend making new best friends, taking selfies. What hurts is my cousins and her mother telling others how pathetic we were.
Years have passed and I have never expected anyone to understand this, and it is too late for anyone to understand it, the person who understood this: I married him.
I have learned that a princess is a princess anyway. I am a princess anyway and there is no proud to share this, it is love to share it.

he said that, only a brave princess can face her fears, write it honestly, and I wrote it, I know he will read it, and be proud on me, That is how our relationship proceed.