Last year was a roller coaster. I still remember the day I had to take a decision between life and career and I had to leave my job. A well paying job that I had to leave to continue my treatment. Threats of being closer to death was taking a toll out of me. I had several visits to doctors and each day I had feared that I may die the next day. I don’t know how one describes this feeling but at times it was extremely scary and I had felt lonely in spite having my whole team with me.
Naturally I went through series of treatments and depression followed. My contact with outside world is negligible and I have this serious stupid feeling of spirits around me. I feel someone just will take away my life.
All my dreams, ambitions are just getting diluted everyday. I sleep making a wish for another happy day so that I can continue my dreaming. I don’t have words to explain to people when they ask what I am doing with life.
Doctor: how do you feel now a days
Me: scary enough and very disappointed
Doctor: it’s a very negative approach to life
Me: it’s kinda default you know, I don’t want to understand much but it doesn’t feel great at all
Doctor: what about your desire to live?
Me: as long as I have the hope to fulfil my dreams I am desirable towards it
Doctor: I am hopeful that it will be all okay soon
You know I slept a day without closing my eyes because I thought I might wake and see nothing. Once or later when I see my friends going to their jobs, posting pictures of their road trips I certainly live in those pictures. I feel happy and bless them, that’s my happiness right now and somewhere I had always wished to live a little more.
I don’t understand this concept of karma, at least not that everything that had been taught to us regarding this is true. Some concepts are purely coincidental and intuitive.
I feel that I have already done great things but I always wanted to do more. I always had plans and a list to complete.
Today it’s been thee months I haven’t went out of my room. I haven’t hated something so seriously, my interest to watch television or read or eat had diminished. Some days are tough and some days are clueless at few I feel rejuvenated and at others I just want to go back and mend few things.
Some days I want to talk to my old friends and revisit memories, some days I had wished for a better life and some days are just normal chores.
There is a lot that I have learnt in the silence of these moments that no matter how much someone wants to harm there will be someone who will protect us. That’s the nature of universe.