Surrounded by ‘Me’

Previous night was the treasure of sleep, I kept some of the secrets aside and dwelt the night’s alluring beauty. I, sometimes do not find ways to catch up nights anymore, like I used to. Multivitamins, colorful pills and some of the morphine keep me asleep for ages. I do not even know today’s date when I woke up. I found my hairs untied to my band, safely kept at my bed side, my body half dwelling and painful crunches on the both side of abs, cuddling around I woke up to find it has been continuous 14 hours I have been sleeping, deep grounded sleep.

Reminds me of those beauty sleep when her prince came to wake her up, I wish I could have found someone when I woke up.

I opened my eyes and lied there for hours, I was not thinking anything, and I felt numb and distracted. My brain sounds different now, they say it is just an effect of what I am suffering, I don’t find this suffering through but we can’t make everyone realize this, something they knew since ages.

I am just experiencing.

Quite some time and then I took painful arms to settle and sit, gulping gallons of water I tried to move, painful strikes but yet I managed somehow. Things are not what it used to be, everything has changed, I keep my diary along to notice what all is going around me, I find little time to do my things.

Silence around me helps me in sensing breathes, I could feel them close, though not the pain of breathing and dry lungs, I smile a bit.

Pressing to the old memories I re-read traces of my diary.

12 June, 2011

‘Things have changed, I miss him more often, I have made good friends, our common friends have gone and that gives me relief. Everything has changed so far. I am trying to walk alone with his memories’

10 October, 2009

‘ have never felt so alluring before, I feel like a princess, the way he treats me reminds me of what a beautiful this life is, wow! Being in love is so beautiful, I know everybody around me is so happy.’

14 January, 2010

‘ boards are near, he is not well, I am afraid of few feelings now, he might miss his semester exams, I regularly visit him, most of the time either he is asleep or not conscious, he smiles at me, he denies eating and I cannot gulp food without him, I know this is just a test’

23 march, 2010

‘I laugh at how I screwed my results, my friends said they are proud how I made through. They have a point. Now I see world with my eyes, previously when I felt the happiness around now I see that it was because I was happy, now I am not, may be sometimes. My mood does not conflict, I have a big time understanding things, I can feel everything around me, sometimes it is overwhelming, I ground and secure my presence, I sleep a lot now a days, may be to ignore the reality, sometimes I wish when I wake up, it is mere a dream, a bad one. Sometimes I wish to start my bike, run and hug him. Sometimes I feel to just fall in love again with him. My love story made no sense to me, but some memories, I try not to stay alone most of the time, it makes things hard to manage.’

15 September 2011

‘College is fun, I have finally made good friends, not many but just 3, they know little about me and that is fine, I don’t want to involve any of my past. I can see our common friends around but we hardly recognize each other, I have finally learnt to ignore and it caught me variety of emotions. I dress differently now, and I have started to blog, again.

I visit his home often, I meet his mother, we cook and we sing, sometimes dance closing our eyes. She has finally decided to stop drinking and focus on her passion for designing. His father gives no reaction and we do not interact much now, just formal a ‘hello’ and blessings.

I am still their daughter in law, at some point.

We both go to shopping and end up buying ice-cream.

Things are getting better I guess, we still miss him but I can’t do anything for it.’

2 October 2011

‘You know this date right? I am ignoring it since a month, I turn some years old today. I miss him. I am waiting for his phone calls, I have grew in some of the people who read my stuff and they kind of love me, I appreciate it. I miss him, damn! I so badly miss him.

Happy birthday to me. I love myself.’

10th October 2011,

‘Such a long time huh! So much had happened, so many stories, but today I want to sit firmly and think. I wonder if i could still have you. Coffee breaks sounds boring now. I wish you were here to appreciate my work, to tell me how well I am doing with my already screwed life, I wish you were here to make me feel good, I wish we could talk, I could touch you without guilt, I could hug you without a thought, my touch did not made you feel me going outdated, I wish you said how beautiful I look today, I wish things were genuinely beautiful. I wish I could fight this anxiety and just be myself. I wish…you were here…to fall in love again with me.

I miss you, more than anything.’


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