Happy birthday baby,
I know I am bit late, it has been couple of days we left your birthday behind, I know you have been waiting for me to do that and I know you knew I could not face your birthdays. They are painful, I can’t remember you were born someday and that makes me define things better. I can’t think of the events when you were being taken away, I can’t think of the days I have walked without you tracing your foot prints, your used clothes and your half eaten chocolates. I did not wash my hands after I touched you for the last time unless it had rain. You think these things are easy to let go, probably for you because letting yourself go, for you is completely fine because no matter what you can’t leave yourself. Listen, am missing you alight? And have you got any idea how it feels like?
Today I will share some honest facts I observed after you left, something as if you always said to me, like those words “you must observe the world, you must know how to live without me”. Tell me that wasn’t intentional, but then why did you even speak those words to me, why.. No other girlfriends were asked to live without their love. Then why you did even wish for that, tell me.
I will tell you the scary scares of staring bulldogs over streets, I will tell you how your friends tried to take advantage of my loneliness and I will tell you the heat of the open sky, I will tell you my tears, wait I will take you to the journey of everything I have been through.
I have started behaving weird and optional, I have been acting as if I have developed any serious disorder of brain and nobody seems to understand that, not even I understand that.
If I am angry on something or someone I can’t show them openly and these kind of layers of unhappiness has become turmoil into my emotions, because if they get angry and throw that back to me I might not be able to handle it, so I have learnt to skip my truth and honest opinions, now I understand why some people adjust with the situations, which I could never understand being with you.
We always need someone to act as a savior, only then we are called strong. I shouldn’t have said that to shilpa that day about her not protesting against the wrong she was going though “you have no idea how much it takes to fight against wrong, I can’t afford it”. Her words were right, it takes almost everything to fight for the wrong, and I wish I had not said that to her, she cursed me that day baby, she took you from me.
I have felt the wind; it is so natural and powerful. I have seen leaves grow, I have noticed their birth panes, I noticed them every day for around 2 years and they have grown to big strong trees, but then I am afraid of getting closer to anything or anyone.
Everything, baby, in fact that petrol pump we used to go to refill our dying tanks, they make me remember you, everything in every way tries to make me cry. It is like living in hell, every person irritates me, I wonder why everything even exists, and I couldn’t tolerate anything. I hate it all, I hate everything and inside of me is such a poisonous feeling, I can tell you even you will hate me.
I know it is possible to let go of everything and there is nothing wrong in making things leave you, new will hang on. I can’t find a way to inspire myself every day, it takes half of my energy to reestablish myself, again and again and if stupid people happen, let me tell you their names. All right leave them.
What I wanted to tell you is that…
I think I have gone mad and you should kill me because leaving me alone in this world will make other people behave the same, I am telling you I can’t do anything, no studies, no concentration, no good I am doing to the world so please kill me.
All right don’t get angry on me, see I told you, all such things are happening to me more often. I wake up at morning and find that I haven’t slept whole night; there is a heavy head all the time with me, sometimes I want to cut everything out and cut out from everything and then what I will be doing without it. I wonder how other people who are dealing with the precious loss in their lives would have been doing, let god alone don’t give this kind of pain to anybody, hopeless nights and happiness all around without letting our hands dirty with it.
I have been celebrating my birthday without you, 7 glorious years and wonder what, each year they try to bring me new surprises but my eyes still stacked to the cellphone, waiting for your calls.
Sometimes want to shout out aloud, like this hard that it should make people’s ear bleed, I want to damage their lives to the extent that they could feel how much it is going inside me, and then I remember it is just a beast inside who tries to take me away from you, I handle them, sometimes I want to cry out loud and then I handle it too, sometimes I am not in this world, I handle it too, sometimes they question me, I handle it too. Exams, food, gym, life, call from family, call from your family, calls from office, calls from business meetings, calls from friends, I handle them all but none of them feels as it used to be.
I am lost, I am seriously lost baby and in a serious need of help.
I know I have been keeping them for long and there seem no way out that I can come out of this, everything is a serious trouble to me, and even eating seems waste of time. Do you feel I need something like a mad psychiatrist, I tried that, they say nothing new of what Google couldn’t. it is waste of time and then I wonder if human interaction will make some sense, but then they don’t act like you did, and that is obvious but then I couldn’t tolerate new behaviors, I can’t handle over enthusiastic fake people and oh please, sweet , cunning, bubbly girls talking in tone “oh hi sniggggdhha,,, how have you been baby, such a long hoooooneeeey, muuuaaah” when they bring their lips in munching I want to tear it off, I wish I could do that, had you been here I would have, without a thought, and we did that too but then you used to handle everything, but then no body argued me, and well then I understand how world works not for myself but for others, like what others might have been gone through, like what shilpa have gone through, like other than love there is ignorance to it and how some people never understand that. They accept and go, because they find no way. And how could this happen? There is always a way but baby, this is earth, things get blocked here, and we have to find out the way. Sometimes it takes years, sometimes a moment.
Today I am going to find something like that, do help me.
I miss you and these three words cannot make you feel how much it means to me, but still I will handle, I know you are with me, watching me over and walking with me.
May god gives you long life, miss you kanna :*