#MYFIRSTEXPERT

Hold me tight mumma,

The night is scary today

I have heard there are daemons

Out there,

Be with me because

I have heard they are afraid of god

 

Tonight when i will give up on things, show onto me, be my guardian angel and hold me tight, help me let go of the pain and hurt that disturbed me, help me let go of things that no longer serve me, be my mother Mary and present me with Jesus, your child and protect me for ages.

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Mom, the most amazing thing life could give us and the wonderful thing is that every one among us has one, one of the most beautiful, graceful and most caring god like, human being who lives and reigns in being (divine).

It is difficult to narrate her in words.

With the age, there she stands, without change and for her everything around is already changed. The way family perceive her is a different fairy-tale, and the way she always saw her family is a history.

It is hard for her, to convey love sometimes, no matter how much she does for us, she always feel some initial mistake with it that is her simplicity.

she is too busy to make her feel special.

We understand life specially when she is not near, we understand the charm she had always out before us, things that we misplaced and she found, the unconditional love that sometimes we neglect.

She is busy collecting shadow clothes on corridors, she is busy making the dinner plate and she makes sure that everyone of us get the best of our choices.

She is busy collecting old memories from our childhood photo album.

She is busy understanding our changed behaviour towards her.

Sometimes all she want it that her family should stand by her, if not anything, at least that for a day everybody provide her their attention.

I have seen you awakened

With eyes closed

I felt that one feeling

Of grace

Being with you, in you

The smell of your dress

And your skin is so inseparable

I miss them all

I miss them all

Teaching me very important facts of my life without even narrating them to me was one of her special conduct, she never taught me to walk rather she pushed me to fail and try and then fall and then wake up and she always kissed me after that. She always brought me my favourite chocolates, she stood at the corner of school gate waited for me, she made me my first chocolate shake with almonds, she waited for me to home so that we could have food together, she was even more friendly to my friends, she understood my relationship with my male friends, she invited my friends frequently so that she could know more about us, she smiled even when she was not willing to, she kept her happy and young so that  could introduce her to my group without shame, she worked mid nights just to complete my projects, she made fun of my teachers sometimes, she taught me the real essence of life, she stayed awake whole night before my exams, she went with me to my college day, she gave me more pocket money then decided, she brought me new dresses more frequently, she made me mid night Maggie and coffee, she taught me the real best friend gossips, she went with me for girls night out and my friends loved it when she was around.

I wonder, who she was, just a human being?

She took gracious hold of my hands and kept them warm whole night, a nightmare which took over my peaceful fairy tale dream is hard to remember now, it is hard to describe the way she was with me whole night.

She slept with me, gave me positive affirmations, brought various gods’ pictures and narrated me their tales; she gave me courage and power to stop making fun of my thoughts.

She was there, she is here and she always will be, watching me from heaven and showing me straight good ideas to walk my way.

It is really hard to let go of her and move on because she never taught me to walk alone, she was there, always. It is hard to remove her memories and it is hard to live with them as well.

Even little things would have scared me, little curiosity in kitchen and some disturbance during my vegetable marketing, if she was not near.

Crowd, people, party, gathering, social interactions, hang outs and friends, these all sounds alien language to me now.

When I first started to walk, I dropped my knees and injured them many times, my tears always walked through her eyes, as if she felt the pain before I could.

Yet she never allowed me to lean on her, I knew she was feeling it yet she was pushing me again and again to walk alone, she forced me to be independent.

She shared her first gallery of cooking and never allowed to attend her hot empire, she gave me small house hold works so that I could enjoy her part of living, she enjoyed playing with me, and her happiness ruined my worries.

I remember one of the most wonderful incidence ever happened to me, like a regular teen I never went my college at time, I usually made a two or three classes of gaps and mostly visited after lunch, gradually my attendance was a good factor for my class teacher to hold up my neck since we never shared good terms.

Though one day she decided to make up calls to our parents and for a case I was the only one to give my parent’s valid phone number, she happened to call her and narrate more than I ever could do to her.

When I returned back from my half weird party, her serious look scared me; she never attends herself to be that rude. My friends got their part of calls to their own cell phones and they handled it themselves, I understand how my teacher must have felt than, it was like every of her student’s parent was shouting back to her, she hardly could understand the real evidence behind it.

I felt as if my teacher had put all her anger to my mom.

I went nearer and felt her vibrations, she asked me to sit and her hands almost reached my face, she never slapped me, it was ever for the first time that I felt her warm hands to my face after long, “you are such a naughty my cutie pie, I never knew” she squeezed my cheeks and tapped them.

That was so warming, that was so relaxing, and I almost gave up my heart.

“Then what did you say her?” I asked with a depth curiosity.

“She was so loud, I kept the cell phone on speaker and let our Dragon (Pet dog) lick her over phone, after she was done I was forced to say her something very special”

“What did you say” I went close

“Sorry, wrong number”

We laughed out, we busted into tears of happiness, she hugged me, she patted my back, she grabbed me tight, and I felt what motherhood really is.

Things that she could never teach me were hatred, giving up and ungratefulness.

She was divine, graceful and the most beautiful mom ever likes every mother.

Her energy, vibrations were so beautiful that even birds and dogs could not resist her; all my life I have seen her giving people with their need, with open heart and wide hands.

She never complained, even if it was for our studies, our desires and our murmuring naggings, she never compromised with our happiness, I have seen her raising her vibrations through prayers and meditations, when we used to sleep.

When at times she needed her family and friends who she helped, sometimes they could do nothing but to behave rude and ruthless, but she never uttered a word of un-forgiveness and unkind truth.

I know that I won’t be able to make myself up with her logical divines. She is one of her kind, no matter what, I feel pain, I get hurt, I get angry, I express them and most of the times I end up having terrible fight and I have few of them not in contact after that.

She saw people with one eyes, like gods see, she feel everybody’s feeling, she knows what will make them happy, she never compromised with humanity, even if it took her peace of mind, she always wanted to see the world at peace.

It makes no difference, if it hurts me, I will articulate, I will shout and I will slap them.

My mom, she was from another planet, she was not a human being, I never felt normal around her, when people recognize me as her daughter, it a different proud.

I wrote my first nursery poem, my early bird writing carrier, I wrote my first mother’s day vision for her, she had it safe inside her jewellery case, where she keeps her priced possessions, was it that important to her?

I wonder how she managed to put all her efforts for us, providing us the best, without complaints and without compromises.

Sometimes I wonder, if I really deserved her attention.

That was my first annual day function and the crowded parent’s block and bull cloning Miss Rasbella were taking my breathes away, I was frightened to the death, I was 5 and it was out of my memory stack, all the lines, steps and my only understanding partner was the wooden cow next to me, rest over smart classmates of mine were shaking their booty.

It was frightening more than embarrassing, I was afraid that Miss Rasbella will keep me out of class now, she announced it earlier; I was very young to pivot her pressure.

Everything was so quiet and serene, I felt like visiting a meditation centre my mom used to visit, before my tears could find its way, a lady in the crowd stood and clapped, the song was over and everybody had left but me.

She clapped for me, and then stood her best friend my grandmother, my father, my brother and my whole family clapped for me, with a smile of proud on their face.

I felt like a winner, I felt like if without doing anything could bring me this, if I had performed well what she had given me with, for her little happiness I danced without fear, I revitalized myself and I performed without music, I did it just for her, I do not remember where that fear was gone, all of a sudden I knew someone in this big world is there for me and I knew I can do anything, I can achieve any thing I want, anything that made her happy.

She gave me a wide kiss on my cheeks, squelching my puffed cheeks, that was relaxing and I felt happiness at the same moment. She I was really very young to express what I was feeling, yet I wanted to tell her that she was very important, I never expressed my real feelings for her, I was not that expressive, I am not yet; she took me in her lap that night and said “to stand there in front of thousand without doing nothing is courageous.” I could not understand it then, I understand this now.

No matter how imperfect I am and how worst my performance is, she always gave me my best output and they were more than the degree I hold, knowledge I posses and salary I earn.

She brought me my favourite books, she allowed me to dance in rain.

Those words were worth to be written with gold templates and hung at the top of the universe.

I understand how much that little appreciation meant to us, when someone hurts you, bullies and  betray , when someone indirectly makes you feel small, under confident, and then your mom appears, with a smile, courtesy and gratitude towards god to have you, nothing in this universe can compare that feeling.

Till she was there, I never washed my clothes, utensils and all my garbage’s, I never cleaned my cupboard and I never knew what colour of dress I had in abundant.

Weather is my college function or family event, perfect attire always awaited me.

If it was someone’s wedding or birthday event, she followed me, all my pathways, she held my hands and I saw no crowd, no people and no cheaters.

With her, I knew the world is a safer place then it appears and I knew that things would ultimately be all right.

Be it any occasion or any festival, her energy was brighter than that of sky.

We had wonderful house warming ceremony every day, someone out of her fans would appear with their problem, it was more a like a temple where they came with a hope and confidence that touching her feet would make everything all right, they were not superstitious, they were sure, I know why they believed that lady so much.

I did everything, imperfectly; I still do things that way.

My things are little messed up, they always were and I am sure they always will.

I learnt to fold up my blanket after waking up from bed and they looked like a big ball but when mom did it, they looked like a rectangular plate, no cracks and no lines, I wondered how.

Then she taught me, what way it should be treated, everything should be treated equally and no work is great to explore and no work is small to ignore, she walked like she was walking in heaven, she smiled like she was given a chocolate, she talked to everybody like she was pouring sweet in everybody’s heart.

Our house helper aunty had a daughter, she aged around 8 that time (I hardly remember) and I was 10, she followed her mother every home she worked, when asked she confirmed that she wanted her to learn all of these house hold errands so that she could join her in vacations.

I never saw mom that angry before, she was shouting at her, when mom was done with her drama, she lifted that kid which ultimately gave a sudden jealousy drop and I guess she got vibrations of them, she then instructed aunty to make her comfortable in dining table which she was hesitating saying how could she sit in dining table that too with me, I wondered why she thought like that.

We all are equal and more or less we are all oneness, my mom always taught me that, or she never taught me them in theories, she loved everyone with equal heart, expect for cases where she loved us more than them.

She then said “daughters are the most wonderful gift god can provide us, when they are born they bring good luck and kind of happiness that is way beyond” when she was telling that, I could feel a kind of shame aunty was holding, cutting and guarding her mind, mom continued and said “only when you feel good about them, they will feel good about themselves and this way they will feel good for their daughters” her statement made me laugh, I thought for a while “my daughter? How ridiculous it sounds, I always wanted to be a small kid, being fed by her, pampered and cared.”

“when things would change and one day when she will shine like a great personality, only a mother will feel that, her hard work, her pain and troubles her daughter had went, during her struggle she will never ask her to give up and come back, rather we must tell them to think positive and see goodness in everything, only we can change it”

“Feed her with your own hands every day, like you would feed god, they have a heart and daughters are special, treat them with respect so that they could respect themselves, being a girl one day.”

She then handed over a plate of hot paronte(an India Dish) and asked her to feed her, the girl felt it, I felt it and mom felt it that how desperately aunty wanted to treat her like a princess but could not due to some of her feelings she had for herself. Her mother never gave her the kind of respect, how come she be able to provide that respect to her daughter, apart all these little sweet conversation she was forced to ask my mom “it is easy to say when there is money, we have little to execute her desires”

My mom said “daughters never have their own desires, they desire for their parents”

Aunty agreed on that, my mother later gave all monetary and emotional help to her daughter and she is perusing her M.S in U.S, her happiness gives me a kind of peace that is out of my array index bound.

It was so hard to understand my feelings during trouble teens, I got angry all of a sudden and then felt guilty of shouting at her, she used to laugh at me but she never reacted back, it made me feel guilty even more. I had friends but I saw her getting envy when I used to spend little more of her time.

She waited for me all night without having dinner and lunch, without informing me, she looked through gate when I was late but she never called me back , she never showed me her curiosity with “my” new male friends, though I knew how it felt.

Later when I understood her little better, I left everything that made her worry.

I turned myself as according to her because all that she could and was giving me, no one in world could even think for, I disconnected myself from people and friends who troubled me and my whole little world was her.

We talked, we walked, she taught me to cook Maggie and kept me aloof of kitchen and household works, she worked with me thought-out my final year project, she learnt my subjects though internet and taught me better than trained professionals. She kept her up to date.

I wondered if she had back pains during menstruations, because I had my own story with those days, she gave her 24X365 without a break.

It was for my brother, and his education, or me, or papa, or my cute little sister, she was a thread bounding us together, and she was energetic and always loving.

I knew that no matter what, everything would make its own way and everything would be all right because I had her.

She was such a great inspiration.

If she did not made me feel special, I would have felt discriminated like most of girls in our country, but with her, I felt special, like a princess, anywhere I went, and I made everyone feel the same.

She made me understand the circumstances, she made me feel the waves, and she helped me feel the greatness of water and stillness of air.

All little details that a friend can give and a mentor could build within, she was one of those divine souls who left behind her greatness in many hearts and many eyes, she left lots of hope and gratitude for everybody, enough for their next generations.

Her words were very calm and convincing.

When I met Sambhav, we were mere college students and he was a trainee in doctor, I have never met people like them (my mom and him).

While it took a lot of concerning time to my mom, to understand and accept him, her concern with respect to me that t

THIS BLOG POST IS WRITTEN FOR INDIBLOGGER CONTEST #MYFIRSTEXPERT, I AM REALLY VERY GRATEFUL TO GODREJ AND THE CONCERNING TEAM FOR PROVIDING ME TO EXPRESS SO MUCH LOVE TO MY MOM, THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THIS OPPORTUNITY TO HOLD MY GRATITUDE AND TELL  HER THAT SHE IS REALLY SPECIAL FOR ME, THANK YOU MUMMA, THAN YOU GODREJoo with him was a lot varying then she showed. Was she afraid of losing me?

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