I have chosen, my own home made path.
I have missed her so many times, when I desperately needed understanding ears, eager eyes and mom.
I hardly remember my mom, her face; she went to god when I was a little kid. Life isn’t that easy without her, I do not have normal living habits. I do not know what motherly love and affection are.
I have seen my friends getting pampered by their mom. The way she takes note of everything they do, organize birthday parties, create surprising look when they reach home, family picnic, attending school meetings, scolding other children who willingly or unwillingly mess with her kids.
Even I have some scares of childhood fights, but difference is, that nobody came to my rescue then, I had to fight back all alone, and I used to skip the jealous dettol portion, I envy it so much and putting bandaids were my playground fun.
I have cried thousand nights missing her, I do not know why, even time could not heal her absence.
I have cried thousand nights
I have missed you mom
Today, tomorrow and till eternity
Nothing will replace this feeling
You have no idea, how much I needed you then
How much I need you now
I know you have left me strong
Yet to be one
Tell me, show me how?
Growing like this made me ridiculous, charming and arrogant, I do not know how to behave nicely, anger is my own way to let world know that even I exist.
I grew without motherly love, with so many daily life challenges that only a lady could describe.
I always missed my family, dinner times, movies, yet god is never partial, if he takes something, he has so much to provide back. I have my pets.
I might sound crazy; I still wait for her, some magic that will bring her back, at least not in body but in any form, like some form that I can feel.
This feeling, everything I feel, is all void. Sometimes, I do not have idea about my own feelings. How does it feel? -Clearly empty.
I have tried, uncountable times to love my new mother, to feel her, it isn’t that easy.
I am moving on
Mom, I am
But you see
I am moving towards you
To find you
Away from this anger
It doesn’t feel good
Get me the wire, get me the path
That will take me to your wrath
I have never played with old proverb which says, “Mom must be a star now”.
“Lying myths”, they do not entertain my practical mind.
Living is more than a challenge for me. I wonder, if I had her, life would have been little wonderful. It still is, yet it isn’t.
Loneliness is vulnerable.
My ears carve for her voice, my heart churns with pain. This feeling is miserable.
I have dreams, some are professional, some are little crazy kinder garden dreams, but they all hold a place in my little world and I live them every day, and there was another guy who tried to understand that, he was my best friend and then one day we grew closer.
Sooner, time healed my mom’s absence, his love was enough. I lived with him, I lived in him. Words cannot describe that feeling, feeling of being with him, his presence, his touch, his voice, his love, his cuddling pampers, his noisy anger, his silent fights, his sympathetic smiles, his care. Nothing can better describe his place in my life but himself. I had my world and one day this dream collapsed. He found someone else.
Time couldn’t replace his absence, that same exasperating feeling was eating me again.
YET EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR SOMETHING REALLY GOOD.
Like a decent human being, I was afraid of finding someone close to me after them (mom and him). I thought I did not deserve. “Just because someone left you, moved on, don’t makes one undeserving of their love, it’s just a matter of time, or maybe we deserve someone better, who is yet to come and surround our world with their much better love.”
Unconsciously, It brought so many restrictions to my dream. I had gradually started to give up.
Nothing entertained my hopes, faith and determination to god. They were mere piece of proverbs for me now. I hated god, life, myself, people around me. Haltered had captured my veins so tight that I couldn’t even find my way to bear the real truth. I hated everything, everyone, and all I wanted was to kill or die.
This was setting apart, my feeling of being a human, everything was messed or I guess, I was making it tough.
Forgiving and forgetting him was one of the toughest jobs in my part that time, yet necessary.
How can one forgive someone who left without any previous notice, just because he found someone else exclaiming some unnecessary excuses?
Sometimes, these dramas, perpetuating around us, make us better person, so I followed, followed where my life was going. Without a map, direction, with so much anger I stepped out of my four walls, my comfort zone, facing the world which was unwillingly dangerous for me in my thoughts. Without even stepping out, I had such a great sense of belief that people outside are dangerously addictive to deception and hoaxing.
Unless we meet different people, how are we supposed to judge them?
Sometimes we are so involved in our own stories; we deny the beauty of living as a human being.
I was acting so much sympathetic with myself, more than enough. Feeling pity for not having much is a sinful act, eventually we are abundantly blessed in likeness of being one with the universal power.
Then who resists us from moving forward?
I confronted the truth, the harsh statement of my life, I was being rude with my life, continuously reminding what really had hurt me for this long, or reminding how people misbehaved, reminding about haltered, I might not have a long story of loving feelings but whatever I have, is enough for a wonderful life. I feel grateful for this fulfilling idea.
Apart all anger, there was something else going parallel, my new mother wanted me to leave her family aloof. May be she could not bear my presence, it was a normal story. I needed to leave her more then she needed the same from me.
Love changes all and everything, but not always. I took step wise decisions, and I left.
I left my room, my home, my pets, my garden, my bed, my pillow, my childhood toys, my memories, I left everything that I thought were mine, it was really hard, I never believed I could sleep without my pillow, but I did. I slept in new pillow, in new bed provided in hostel, I ate vegetables that I never thought exists, did everything beyond my comfort level, they were impossible tasks for me, but I had some amazing experiences enjoying them. I met different people out there, some witty, political, over friendly, some wonderful, long lasting and honest.
There are plenty of things thrown over, provided to us, it’s with us, what do we choose and live with.
That one day when I stepped out, I took a real breathe of life, sending back all negative feelings to everyone who gave me back of it, because love only goes to space where love exists.
I understood, we cannot change people, it is impossible, if one does not want to.
Today, I am standing here, without anything, any clue for further journey, no support, no one to share little precious happiness but today I am standing here, with myself and this one feeling is enough to remind me every day that, life is beautiful, amazingly wondrous, magical, and miraculous, only if I allow it to be like one.
Among all the decisions I took, this was the one that belonged to my life. Apart from deciding my clothes, I am deciding what my life would be.
Every day I wake up, I count 24 hours with each moment, breathe, and watch the sun grow, smell rain and sing in bathroom.
I am growing, my way and I seriously have no idea where life will take me, all I know is that, I will enjoy this moment, let future wait.
Life is not a race, take it easy.
yet if you find my mom, tell her “I Love her”