When I was born, I seriously, do not remember anything of how, when, why I came to this planet. A beautiful planet called earth, colorful, blissful. All I can remember for a moment is that I was sent here with a purpose, definitely, like every one of us are.
I grew like a normal kid, playing, fighting, finding curiosity in everything I touched and ate everything that was reachable. I never stopped, I never stopped loving, but very few a times I remember or I guess I had really kissed myself, though my cheeks are not reachable to my lips but I can at least kiss my arms, my legs, everything that is mine.
We are normally not taught to love ourselves; we do not see this type of misbehavior or madness around us. We were taught to follow, some rules, regulations and most of all was A THING CALLED AS RELIGION, Religion- which speaks of marriages, promises, children but all within our religion.
Who made these crease, boundaries, and countries? Whereas, we as a kid see everyone as an unknown element and this curiosity bring all of us close. We never gave a thought on why should we love with conditions; our mother never loved us with conditions though. We learn what we see and eventually a day we grow up, all of a sudden. We find changes, within us, around us, inside us and we get afraid with this sudden change and everything starts ruining by itself.
Why are we so boundlessly bound to these human made rules? When we try not to obey them we are punished, either with the name of sin or guilt.
The same situation was around me, yet one day I followed something that came from somewhere inside me, that was a echo less voice, something that was only audible to me. I heard it, and I followed, I fell in love with a person who belonged to some other religion. I exactly had no idea about his religion, when I met him; neither did I ask him about it, for some certain reasons, all I knew was, we were in love.
My life was beautiful, expressively beautiful, extra ordinarily beautiful. I had everything I wanted, I had him, his love, and I would have given everything for him. I enjoyed every of his lie. Day along day, it grew deeper and I was forced to trust him blindly. Then came a day around when I understood, why love changes it all. After a month I saw my face in mirror and wondered if I was the same person few days ago. I was not. It was a change again; I had long hairs, because he liked them, that way. I behaved like a decent, kind and shy girl that I never thought I would be, but I was acting like one, because he liked me this way.
And this conditional love grew into a bigger phrase of my life. I had stopped working on my projects, my researches, everything I loved and lived with. Slowly, this poison of true love grew into ball of confusions. Was I being cheated? With clues and warnings?
All of these just because I was truly dedicating to him, it was madness, strong woman will say I was wasting it all, romantic woman would appreciate, different people, diffract perceptions but for me it was exactly the way I wanted my life to be.
Was it destined?
After a month or two, I grew back my consciousness of being alive. He seemed happy and composed with his new mate, he had already updated his new relationship but I guess he should have informed me about this. Doesn’t a relationship need breakup before having another one?
I was desperately kicked out of everything, step by step, with graceful planning I was thrown out of my own throne.
Reason was beyond my senses could absorb, “it wasn’t about just religion, it wasn’t about being unisex, it wasn’t about love, it was about competition, it was about ego, it was about being successful not by hard work but by hard mind”.
Old saying, if you could not succeed, do not let others do that.
It had started around a year back. He was one of my friends. We had shared glory of togetherness and I loved his company. Later we were set apart by our work and responsibilities. I grew busy in my research works and he was busy with something not usual. He was one of my choices, I knew. He had all of those qualities that I was searching in my life partner.
The day, when he expressed himself as my, would-be boyfriend and proposed me, was the day I will never forget.
I denied his proposal for about more than 4 times, I definitely had no idea about that, this rejection would grow into a man’s ego and this seed will give birth to a revenge tree. Can someone be that hateful?
I had my certain reasons for rejection, one of them was definitely religion, yet when I grew up with his trust, I thought nothing but love for him.
Today, when I look at the mirror again, I am searching for myself. My mind takes elapses of memory and I had suffered ADHD, BIPOLAR what not. Fighting back emotional pain, my sense aches for trust.
I gave up my own belief for religion and took everything what my religion taught me. I gave up my trust on MANhood and MANkind and everything or everyone I looked was another thief for me.
This wasn’t the way my life needed me.
remember everything happens for something realllllllllllyyyy gooooooooooodddd….
I needed an angel in this disguise. Sometimes, prayers are unheard, we do not find anybody near us, and sometimes we have to be our own inspiration.
I knew, or I guess I never believed someone would come to my rescue from this situation, so I took guard of it and became my own role model.
I encouraged myself, talked, kissed and gave forms of belief that religion does not form humans. Humans form them.
Day by day, inch by inch, I am recovering myself. It might sound impossible for some in such situation for them, as it did for me, but I guess my religion (that is I, myself) have taught to me, not to give up. May be some another day, the sun will rise again, with the hope that love do exists. It will take some time for me to build this trust but somehow, someone out in this whole universe is made for us, who is exactly trustworthy, loving and belongs to his own religion.
all i know now, is that
Love, hope and Life….
Life will show us many people, who will cheat us, back stab, but it will show us people who love, show us hope, bring us life make us one with the god. There exists only one religion for me now, that is Love, honesty and this will bring me thousand new happiness in the form of little children who passes by me everyday with a hope for another answer to their curiosity, women passing me who will bring me new stories of being strong and beautiful.
The tree, The sun and The moon will keep on singing their glory of being the graces of our life, The air, the fire, the life will be the same. If they all exists with hope, why can’t we?
this post is dedicated for IndiHappyHours Trend on Look up stories link, I am truly grateful to them, for giving me this opportunity to bring my story to the world, i hope this story brings rays of hope to as many as it can.