Love made me lesbian, and i am proud of it





                           SNIGDHA GHARAMI




“Don’t you composite it obstinate telling people you love a girl, and like you so spiritual, this is a sin” someone during my interview to my latest research asked me

“Loving someone is never sin!” I laughed proudly “and there is no guardian limit for love…”

“But still, telling people you are a lesbian don’t make you feel ashamed” she asked in hope I would be backing up my proud smile that instantly made her jealous

“If your love makes you feel ashamed, and then pity on you baby” I leaved with my very red new Hoboken edition bag

While on the way to my best friend that reminded me of the day when I finally understood what love was, after so many ground falls I understood you never need to hide the fact even if other not doing, doesn’t mean that is wrong, falling in love was never so complicated then why can’t I have a girlfriend.

I mean you fall in love on the basis of trust, and I trust the one I love, that’s it! That’s another story if I have a physical relationship with her is my personal matter, but you don’t need to kiss the lips to fall in love

And they call me mad, you sick if you can’t appreciate what I am doing, you can’t understand what I am telling, so better no conversation in this matter

But before this, story was something else, and the hoary story exist


Like every other love story, mine don’t start with once in an epoch. Intact I don’t have a love story, I modestly loved him, and love never has a story. But it has good-bad folks, love and contaminates mellow dramas, the fantasy, and lots of suspense, which I could never get through. I never knew why that day ever came in my life when I have to set him a good bye, a good bye forever.

May be I couldn’t write the moment when I sit at the same coffee shop which once was filled with my cheers, his love and pampers off course, I couldn’t see our favourite seat at park which once no body dared to touch, he could make sure nobody could make me hurt, but today it’s like he made me hurt. How can he go like this, how can I be living, he never knew and he never will.

Hungry” he pointed his index finger to my shoulder

I dint answered, I dint noticed

“Hungry??” he tossed his crisps crossed hands to my shoulder again

“Angry…” I made my face, childishly but well he can always entertain this

“Awww, that is something new, at least I have something to do now…”

“What?” I un-noticeably answered

“Sleep silently… until you shout again”

“How mean???”

“You talking to whom” the elder one of jungle book started messing up my privacy

“None of your business…” I shut the door exactly a her face

“Look Shrish, just come out and just enjoy the world. You gave hopes to so many darling you can’t break up, your brother’s soul won’t be in peace then” she continuously tapped the door with plate full of rice and my favourite Rajma, but this was not what I was hungry for

I wanted to hug him back, I just wanted to replay my life 2 days ago when I thought he called me, I came running out of lecture hall, without even bothering the H.O.D will kill me after, but what matters was his single hug, and I need no cell phone to feel his voice, I knew he called me, I knew he need me…

I kept on running over the corridors, I kept running to the long slant stairs, I could have fall but I just knew he was waiting for me

And yes, like always I told you right, he was there in my favourite white shirt I gifted him from my very own pocket money I saved, it took so much to save this men’s shirt, they are seriously so well hell costly for a kid like me, I don’t even ate dairy milk this log 3 months, so this was actually how special that shirt was, and he always wore it every consecutive day even having so many in his wardrobe

I smiled taking my breathes back, just stood so constantly waiting him to call me into his arms, I still remember his last smile and a warm hug,

I just dint wanted to think a little more, dint bothered the whole crowd around me including my branch teachers and students I just kept running till I reached his arms,

Because that was, the only thing I missed during his business trip

“I missed you so much Bhai…” I grabbed him tight, tighter and even more

“Bhai loves you Shrish…” he closed his eyes

I sat in the middle of the collage entrance with his loose body in my arms, my eyes don’t dropped a tear, it dint saw things around, but I just wanted to ask him “do that girl matter you so much? More than me, like everything? So as you killed yourself”

His mouth threw white dance watery stuff; I just wanted to hold on

“some-one take him to hospital please” my class teacher ran behind in hope this time she will complaint my home for sure

My mind doesn’t work and I was supposed to do what? I mean confused- I sat on the ambulance with his head on my lap, he still kept smiling, but what that spoke,

My patience broke into million ways of anxiety and frustration

“Wanna read your silence again, wake up” I shook his head, and doctors shook theirs

You silly creeps, you guys not worthy being one, can’t you even save him

“I won’t be able to live anymore bhai, without you, m supposed to be your tail you monkey wake up”

While everyone else in collage filling up tummies in canteen and hauling at their grown up belly, I kept my eyes to the gate,

“You need some time with yourself, you need someone…” my best friends joined my table after a long afro lecture which I don’t wanted to attend anymore

I dint entertained our panipuri trips, the night hangout and smiled at my verve nature, when I wasn’t allowed to do these stuffs I happily created some reasons to attend them but now that I actually have no bounds I am not even setting up

My world just collapsed just for the silly stupid damn bastard bitch fucking that LOVE stuff, I sat on the puff-fluff bed that bounced me twice and more whenever I place myself into it,

People often say love can make you mad, but love made me alone

I picked up our couple photograph that I kept my display picture in Facebook for more than a year, how sweet and adorable together, I tried hard to cry and let that pain get out of my eyes but my pain touched extreme level of head and it can’t be thrown away

“You cheat me Bhai, you are so like a….” I stopped in hope that it would flow out with tears over sheds but the pain was all set inside permanently

I couldn’t resist this pain anymore, felt so uneasy every time, everything made me irritated and I finally decided to end up everything for this forever,

I saw the shining edge of knife but not pleased with the idea, I brought the expired medicine but still my heart dint allowed, but what I was supposed to do, was completely lost, my only hope, my everything was just an end story

“And you still say I would have a great love story, that would touch heart… see what love did to us” I talked to a never speaking picture of him

“Yes and Bhai is never wrong….” He tickled pen to my head, like every night he did after completing writing up diary

“I am just coming to you, you creep you can’t escape my way” I pointed the edge to my wrist

“You will always find me, everywhere there is love… Truly unconditional” I felt he covered my eyes with his palm and took me in front of mirror…

“This is the world’s best angel…” he kissed my cheeks and made me blushed

“How do you do this?”

“This” he kissed another side

“No I mean, change the topic so easily” and he disappeared with a known in gate

“Yes coming” I normally end up saying this and never bother go and open it, who so ever have been

I stood in front of mirror, opened my half clutched buns and settled them two ways of shoulder, settling my yellow shorts something drew my attention away

My opened Facebook page

Well that wasn’t matter of fact, nothing gave me so much feeling of love before, so of sudden I felt as if there is someone who called me

This naturally made me afraid on my behaviour, after that incident I have lost my stability and almost have ended hoping

I checked a never view friend’s post in my friend list, I never took so interest in anybody’s Facebook profile so in case most of them have attractive ones for show off, and they are never a per cent of it

They are simply so hopeless that they even give wired poses for the profile picture and uploaded the best one, silly

After so much of emotional drama’s in my life I almost had no interest in the love stuff, and specially the attraction part was messed, before I could check the profile it was just a subscribed profile, I mean not even friend, I tried sending him request but his profile was loaded with bulk of friends, I tried even again, I mean I have never been so crazy sending friend request, I normally don’t send them but he has something with it, he actually made me do so!

“Hmmm, special you huh, but I won’t give up I will keep on trying who knows ones or later you accept my friend request”

I have never taken interest in any guy so far, I even don’t know their body structure, till Bhai was there I never knew anybody other even exist

These eyes get my attention away and I kept on watching the laptop screen for hours, even not bothering my family was out knowing the door

“You stupid you almost afraid us” my Besties hugged me

“You creep was having private moment” I shook myself pushing her away

“We thought you were up to…” she wanted to complete like I wanted to suicide, well was but don’t know this stranger’s profile just took my eyes away

Not merely his face, not even status but something else, I even don’t know the exact word for that but that was truly divine,

He unwillingly gave life to me, supposed to be an unknown

“So this is your privacy huh” she clicked on the profile pictures “nice choice” she winked

“But you have been always special” I hugged her so tightly to grab the moment

She hesitates to touch me from backbone area but eventually did

“What’s wrong” I pushed her

“Nah, nufing”

This was weird she never behaved so UN worthy, she felt it jealous that I stopped giving time of sudden, her last text showed it better

I ignored her jealousy because that was obvious because even her dependency for someone else also makes me jealous too but I never took it so serious

But today I miss the love, the loneliness killed me

I got to talk to the girl who did all this, I mean Bhai loved her like anything and why the heck she even  thought to marry someone else, and if else she did why the heck she got to tell him that he is not worth that

I knocked her door, but dint wanted to talk, I thought to leave when suddenly  I heard a horror show beginning, I mean that creepy gal coming in her heavy grown ghungarus and all,

Then suddenly something drew my heart beat stopped

“oh my god..” the only thing that came out of my mouth looking at the lady at her late 20s with heavy embroidery sari and mismatched accessories and I tell you every single thing she put in her face, starting from mascara to the face pink rose and matching green eye leads

“I know why you have come here” she said without any sigh of pain

I mean mahn, your boyfriend dies, you have been in relationship with him since you guys were 10, and this long years he gave you his every positive commitment and you bitch you just proved him mad

Without wasting time she took me to the lawn area, and we sat in the upper swing, I liked the settings anyways

“Look shrish, I am married so you and your family stay out of it”

“You have to answer what wrong he did, otherwise I won’t be able to survive like this” I mentioned

“He was a gay”

“How can you say that, like I know him he always watched naked girls in magazine, I never seen a guy there” my kid dish look might kill her inside, while it dint

“He can’t do anything, whenever I kissed him he said no, and we never had”

I stopped getting amazed at her typical gao wali behaviour now, because this was not the first time she behaved so weird

“Which school you passed out??”

“Swami tuntunlaal university English school” she puffed her nails with something she never used, a buffer

I couldn’t let myself from laughing, I just rolled in the grasses laughing, unintentionally making her feels insult

I knew this gal, you creepy gaowali, and your cheap thinking

“He never touched you because he never wanted to …” I stopped because she never deserved to know it,

I mean she is so hopeless mahn, a man doesn’t touch you, you are lucky! If he can love you even after that, you don’t know what you have lost

But I don’t know what I have lost, the pain was so curious, the grief was so dense that I sat with a chocolate ice-cream and a sad love story in my hands, but it don’t worked

I tried having my meal but it don’t got inside, I took another grab and put it into my mouth and three, this process gone for next few hours and I finally concluded, I couldn’t eat

I totally lost contacts from my every friends, stopped going college, the only thing I did was watch the same strange profile and hope that I might talk to him, that might lower my pain a little

I checked our mutual friend list and decide to make an approach because I need to shift my emotions to something, or else I will end up getting psycho, I tried messaging our mutual friends and end up getting same answer

“He is a great personality, why should he talk to you” this gradually made me felt worst,

This was the time I sat in the gate locked down and crying, crying hearts off, bhai’s death never made me that hurt which their replies did

I could neither get him, neither bhai. But I couldn’t understand why did I got so much interest in him may be because he wasn’t my friend and my ego killed me, or maybe I wanted someone to escape my reality but in case I never wanted to get him, I simply fell in love with his simplicity, his look

“Girls normally get mad at his writing, he’s a great author loving and romantic as well” my one of the friend mentioned while our coffee party

“But I never read his book, but in case I always carry them with myself”

I don’t knew why I couldn’t read his book, where as I am so book-a-hock

I kept sitting in stair cases of collage entrance for hours and nobody would notice, everybody was so engaged in their whole life

“I so miss you Bhai” I couldn’t resist my loneliness

For incise I kept reminding their messages “and am I not worthy, I mean yes he may be a celebrity but that’s wasn’t a fan love, that was different”

But hell yeah, who cares, no body notice if you aren’t a fame case

“Hey…” she sound different as if she actually felt what I just said now

“Bunked??” I dint look at her

She cuddled me, and this time more tightly

For in case I tacit and felt every ounce of her hugs and touch, is that my frustration that turned me to her or simply a new beginning to my life,

Love is crazy, and it can make you go wrong way too, but everything is fare in love and war (which I indeed changed “love to exams”, in case if my heart says a nop for cheating)

She was the one who told me for that stranger case “that guy might be unlucky who can never got chance to talk to you…”

She was the only one who made me realised HOW SPECIAL I AM, and now it feels there is no edge in the universe without her, she looks after weather I took my supple, she would feed me with her hands and the best part is I never have to bother how am I looking with my uncombed hairs and torn night dress, she loves me and sometimes I feel like she lives in me and the vice-versa from my side too,

But when she says- she loves me, she mean it



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